Air Travel Under Orange Alert
It must be an election year…
August 10, 2006 was my mom’s 81st birthday. I hadn’t seen her in over two years, so last month I booked a flight from my home in Raleigh, North Carolina to Little Rock, Arkansas. Mom lives in Hot Springs, where there is a big sign at the city limits that says “The Boyhood Home of President Bill Clinton,” with an amusement park roller coaster track in the background. I reserved tickets to fly to Arkansas on August 9th, with a return flight August 12th.
My relatives are all busy Arkansans, mostly watching their household budgets while managing family dramas that sprout like dandelions. The only internet hook-up is my sister’s dial-up that takes around 45 minutes to load anything with an image. The legions of dusty, abraded grandkids and great-grandkids, who are rotated among the family to accommodate work schedules, like kids throughout the US of A, watch neuron-sedating television cartoons while they ingest sugar and food dye. My mom watches a channel with black-and-white movies.
The fact that a raccoon tipped over the trash last night has a lot more currency than anything Wolf Blitzer might have to say. My point is I was cut off, thankfully, from what passes for news.
I did not know that the ersatz journalists of print and airwave were, in their usual hyperventilative way, attempting to put the whole world on tenterhooks about some alleged plot to blow up airplanes with hair gel and Game Boys.
It was my mother, who is attracted to any whiff of the apocalypse like a Bedouin to an oasis, heard about it on her car radio (yes, she still drives… often for thousands of miles… mostly by sense of smell). In the spirit of Arkansas tale-telling, by the time she relayed the terrifying news to me, it was clear that I would board the plane without bags and probably be disrobed, hermetically sealed in non-flammable plastic, and drugged before I was allowed to take my assigned seat.
So I tuned in to Mom’s television, as sticky great-nieces and great-nephews clambered over me. The high-priests of paranoia gushed away on CNN and MSNBC (FOX still causes me to experience unwelcome mortar-firing fantasies). The usual parade of know-nothing terrorism experts came aboard to answer questions designed to render the reality of the plot axiomatic. There was even an appearance — I swear this is true — by some macho-bizarro caricature who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” Dog’s appearance can only be described as retro-mescaline…. “a terrorism expert.” Hoooo-kay!
I was completely frustrated, however, in any attempt to understand what the sources were for this story, and what actual evidence had been collected to support the nefarious plot’s existence.
I know these are pedestrian concerns in times of such mortal peril. Perhaps I have become as lunatic as those people who refuse to leave their homes before volcanoes and hurricanes, though at least they seem to be warned by geologists and meteorologists. From what I could discern, we were being warned by governments — by the governments of George W. Bush and Tony Blair, no less. Is it really too irascible of me to point out a fairly consistent history of co-delinquency here?
That they were aided by the government of… uh, Pervez Musharraf?
Now the same “news” media are branding those of us who still have a shred of skepticism as conspiracy theorists. That’s a good one, especially from people who claim to have uncovered a plot by dozens of people to blow up an untold number of airplanes using toothpaste, hair cream, or root beer floats. From a government, in our case at least, that now claims it was tracking the case “for weeks,” but is just in the last two days warning the public that we were moments away from (oh, no hyperbole here) “mass murder on an inimaginable scale.”
Time Magazine wrote that script, carefully coached, no doubt, by whomever is doing Scooter Libby‘s job these days… with whomsoever is the equivalent of Judith Miller.
Unimaginable? That means… what? More than Iraq? Dresden? Auschwitz? Native America? The Middle Passage? Hiroshima?
But back to my flying story…
I left Hot Springs for Little Rock, a one-hour drive, at noon in order to be VERY early for a 4 PM departure. I’m always a little compulsively early (a behavioral holdover from my years in the Army), but I had no idea what kind of “security” buffoonery I might encounter on this trip, so I brought along a copy of the latest Adbusters magazine, a 1997 Maize Magazine published by Arkansas Land Lesbians (yes, there is such a thing), and Alice Walker’s “Anything We Love Can Be Saved” to help me wile away my temporal extension in Fluorescent Hell.
My expectation, based on Mom’s interpretation of unfolding events, was that all baggage would have to be checked. I seldom check my bags these days, even if it means wearing my socks for two days, because there is a special order by the government out to all airlines to misplace my luggage.
I stuck a strip of masking tape on every conceivable side of my old backpack and my rollaway mini-suitcase with the flight numbers and final destination as insurance against them disappearing into some kind of corporate-bureaucratic ditch. My suitcase was full of documents related to an investigative venture, and the marginal notes that were accumulated therein were pretty much irreplaceable.
When I arrived at Little Rock Airport it was swarming with underpaid, non-unionized TSA people who’d been posted in whole squads in front of the x-ray conveyors. They were also at their usual posts, albeit in larger numbers, with the metal detectors, and even in front of some of the boarding gates. I asked one of the people at the ticketing desk if all baggage had to be checked, and she explained the rules. Nothing soft and wet… not even the half-gallon bottle of water I was drinking.
“If I drink some of it in front of them,” I asked, “can I keep the bottle of water?”
“No,” she explained patiently. “You’ll have to drink it before you go in. You can buy more water once you are inside, but you can’t take that on the airplane.”
Made sense to me. If I were a suicide airplane bomber, I’d have no problem chugging my gasoline or peroxide or botulinum toxin in front of TSA officials and pretending it was as smooth as Mountain Valley spring water. At least I didn’t have to relinquish custody of my documents. Only my potential bomb-making material would have to be checked… toothpaste, shampoo, antiseptic cream. The slackers at Homeland Security had not considered the possibility that I might construct a slow chemical time-fuse to ignite a tube of fuselage-melting mousse and left it in a checked bag.
When I was checked again at the gate, they rummaged through the redacted government papers and my subversive literature, overlooking the sedition right there in front of them in their obsession to identify bathroom product bombardiers. They even allowed me on board with a pack of chewing gum, never suspecting that it might be C-4 plastic explosive.
One gentleman, taken by surprise at the prepare-to-board call, was forced to gulp a huge milkshake. I almost got a brain-freeze watching him.
My layover was in Memphis, where I tried hard to focus on Alice Walker’s poetry as a defense against the incessant CNN drivel that is pumped out at all airline passengers in the United States.
Gone on CNN were the internecine battles within the Republican Party. Gone was the defeat of Lieberman over the war. Gone was the destruction of Lebanon. Gone was Tony Blair’s crooked fund-raiser. Gone was Iraq…
Gone, gone, gone…
There was an Orange Alert, and those of us using the nation’s airports were gulping, gulping, gulping down liquids to satisfy Michael Chertoff that we wouldn’t smuggle mass death aboard disguised as a latte.
As always, however, the press was vigilant. The flagship New York Times had written on the 11th (at least in its on-line version), “Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said new restrictions imposed on travelers reflected a belief that the plotters planned to use liquids, ‘each one of which would be benign, but mixed together could be used to create a bomb.’” As the public began to comment on how vague this seemed as the basis for wasting milkshakes and bottled water, the wording was changed to “Mr. Chertoff said the attackers planned to carry explosive material and detonation components disguised as beverages, electronic devices and other common objects’ onto the planes.”
Judith Miller worked for the New York Times, too. Pardon me if I don’t take ths “flagship.”
I suppose I am just a conspiracy theorist… an odd one, however, that is saying “be LESS afraid,” lest we all allow ourselves to be made bigger nitwits than Dog the Bounty Hunter or Tony (the poodle) Blair.
Timothy R. Anderson:
Saudi Arabia. My thoughts go to the regular, ordinary folks of Saudi Arabia. Which might seeeem like a stretch from Arkansas and airlines, but wait a minute because I feel a POINT coming on……… It has been nearly FIVE YEARS since a group of terrorists, mainly of SAUDI ARABIAN descent, did the airplane-hijacking, airplanes-as-building-wreckers , airplanes-as-killing-machines terrorist thing.
Which kinda points to ……….. uh, have the government / citizens of the U.S.A. done all we can to improve the lot of the average,regular, ordinary person of Saudi Arabia.? Heck no. Have we done all we can to improve the lot of the average , regular, ordinary AMERICAN ? Heck no. So , to quote an old television commercial, ” WHERE’S THE BEEF ? ”
This country, the U.S.A., is turning into Pottersville , a la ” It’s A Wonderful Life. ”
We can blame the English, and Pakistan, and Michael Moore, and Mel Gibson , and Congressman Murtha , and Muslim / Islam persons all we care to, BUT ThE FAcTS REMaI N ……………. For all the talk of ” doing ” something about the ” terrorists ” SAUDI ARABIA is still controlled by a ROYAL FAMILY. No one that I know has stopped enriching the Royal Family of Saudi Arabia. As a result, the conditions for average persons in Saudi Arabia REMAIN THE SAME as they did on September 11, 1995 , September 11, 1996 , September 11, 1997 , September 11 , 1998 , September 11, 1999 , September 11, 2000,
September 11, 2001 , September 11 , 2002 , September 11, 2003 , September 11, 2004 , and September 11,
2005 . Maybe it is TIME to make that an issue.
US Marine Butler said ” War is a racket. ”
13 August 2006, 3:34 pmUS Secty. of Defense Rumsfeld proves that war is a racket. Please sign the petition at http://www.warisaracket.org THanK YOU, and you, and you……….. Timothy R. Anderson
frank:
Stan, your story sounds like one straight out of the “Onion”;
13 August 2006, 7:27 pmyeah, gotta keep everyone one nice and scared; to hell with horse-sense. And speaking of the media attraction to disasters, personally I think that if Ollie Stone is going to make a movie based on the whole Sep.11 thang, he ought to at least spread the wealth around a bit. But somehow I don’t think that the widow or widower of a dishwasher or custodian will see a dime, much less the movie. I think it’s in bad taste to begin with.
peggy:
Brilliant, Stan! lmao
13 August 2006, 7:40 pmStan:
Here is an interesting story from Asia Times on how Pakistan’s interests and those of the US may have coincided in this put-up job:
http://www.atimes.com/atimes/South_Asia/HH15Df03.html
Interestinger and interestinger.
14 August 2006, 12:21 pmAudrey:
Sometimes you can tell how potentially dangerous a substance is by the precautions authorities take when they dispose of it. The Phoenix airport isn’t taking any risks with bomb making supplies disguised as toothpaste – they plan to donate it all to homeless shelters. At other airports, they weren’t redistributing the items because of safety concerns – which they described as possible contamination from being next to a used tissue in the trash.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/TRAVEL/08/11/terror.passengers.ap/index.html
14 August 2006, 2:15 pmCyndi:
Happy Birthday to your mom.
14 August 2006, 8:22 pmelaina:
I second Cyndi’s birthday wishes.
*rolls around laughing for a few minutes* *wipes away the tears*
Goddamit, Stan, I never woulda thunk Dog would make it into one of your posts. Even funnier that somebody called him in as an “expert” on something. His show’s like watching a motorcycle accident.
Thanks for that laugh. You don’t know how much I needed it.
15 August 2006, 1:22 amjohn steppling:
yeah….this one is pretty laughable.
Following on the heals of Forest Gate, the plot to blow up Manchester United’s stadium, the menzies shooting in the tube, and the Ricin plot…..oh and those tanks surrounding Heathrow….I dont know why I shouldnt believe John Reid and Bush and Chertoff (who really more and more resembles Nosferatu)…they’ve been so reliable so far.
And so we are left with the spectacle of folks tossing out contact lens solutions and baby formula. Amazing, it really is. and as they say in comedy, timing timing timing.
15 August 2006, 6:50 amJanet W:
Stan, you are a great storyteller. Your mother sounds like a woman after my own heart. Can we PLEASE board planes naked, wrapped in plastic and drugged to stupefaction? Or satisfaction, as the case may be?
But didn’t you know that milkshakes and water, when mixed together rapidly, CAN cause explosions… of flatulence? My cousin is a flight attendant. How sorry I feel for her and all her kindred workers.
We are living through the BS period of history. Beyond Satire.
15 August 2006, 5:08 pmneilcaff:
Janet W: You want beyond satire? Check this out;
16 August 2006, 4:31 amhttp://www.counterpunch.com/
A team of Israeli lawyers are suing the Lebanese government for starting a war that caused damage to Israeli property!?!
I need to lie down.
frank:
This incident will be knwn only as…The Great Vaseline Panic of 2006-
16 August 2006, 12:10 pmhttp://www.kwtx.com/home/headlines/3581351.html
DeAnander:
No wait — it gets WORSE.
ABC News — the section editor no doubt bent over the keyboard sniggering –reports:
the mind boggles. what screening techniques do they propose? do we want to know? what about gel mastectomy prosthetics? confiscation? how?
and while we’re on the subject, how will they determine whether that colostomy bag is the real deal or a fake, or the real deal also containing a wee wodge of semtex? and those gel orthotics, gotta watch out for them. artificial limbs should obviously be confiscated at the gate — too much sinister void inside those mouldings. when, I wonder, will some bright soul at TSA realise that a sufficiently determined person could refill a silicone breast implant with proscribed fluids?
sometimes you just want to grab them by their polyester navyblue beflagged lapels and shake some sense into them. it is axiomatic that you cannot defend any target against a sufficiently determined assassin who is willing to die in order to take out the target. this has been known forever. the only security level sufficient to protect your target from this attacker is solitary confinement, and even then you have to worry about the kitchen staff. no amount of this rigmarole will ever be sufficient to “guarantee safety,†any more than any amount of locks, bolts, police etc. can keep my neighbour from murdering me if he really, really, really wants to.
what keeps my neighbour from murdering me, in essence, is that he doesn’t want to — not that badly anyway, not my average neighbour. anyone in a car can murder anyone else in a car on the same high-speed roadway, simply by crossing that double yellow line that we all agree not to cross. all you have to do is be willing to die yourself to do it. “society†is the complex sum and interaction of all those lines that are not worth crossing. my neighbour and I avoid murdering each other by being fairly good neighbours and by participating in a social web that offers us enough carrot and enough stick to make it not worth our while.
when we make those lines worth crossing — by increasing despair to the point of suicidal vengeance, or by destroying every carrot that “society†holds out to make it more comfortable not to cross those lines — then no one can be protected from anyone… as in a failed [read: vandalised] state such as Afghanistan or Iraq today. the neothugs have spent trillions to create, artificially, the Hobbesian fantasy of “all against all†that their ideology pretends is natural. the amount of treasure and life they’ve had to expend to create it tells us how “natural†it is — NOT.
well anyway… the idiocy parade goes on. when does the public wake up and get a clue? or is the infantile fantasy of perfect personal safety so deeply wired in the American psyche that there is no end in sight? WTF ever happened to common sense? when did the loonytunes of the OSS and its descendants become paradigm-formers for the whole culture?
16 August 2006, 9:03 pmAudrey:
I am sorely disappointed in The Great Vaseline Panic. It seems there was no love note from Al-Qaeda after all, no screwdriver, not even a jar of Vaseline. Just one claustrophobic woman with a panic attack, being escorted by two fighter jets.
“There was speculation in the beginning of all those items, but those have been proven untrue.â€
http://www.boston.com/news/local/vermont/articles/2006/08/16/london_to_washington_flight_diverted_to_boston_after_outburst/
Speculation, that’s nice. I’m speculating that they put the woman’s unopened purse on the floor, while the security dudes put on blindfolds and stood around it in a circle, taking turns guessing what might be in it. Once they all had a chance to guess an item, they handed that list off to the press.
17 August 2006, 1:52 pmpeggy:
Not So Humorous Sequel
The removal of two men from a holiday flight on the grounds that fellow passengers feared they were terrorists was condemned yesterday. The pair, thought to be in their 20s and of Middle Eastern or Asian appearance, were removed from a flight to Manchester from Malaga, Spain, after passengers became suspicious of their behaviour.
In the early hours of Wednesday a number of passengers on Monarch Airlines flight ZB613 left the plane, refusing to fly unless the two men were removed, causing a three-hour delay. (more)
Passengers are reported to have become suspicious after the men were overheard apparently speaking Arabic and seen repeatedly checking their watches, although this has not been confirmed by the airline. (continues)
Full story at http://www.guardian.co.uk/airlines/story/0,,1854722,00.html
22 August 2006, 9:56 pmDeAnander:
nom d’un nom d’un nom d’un nom d’un imbecile.
two middle eastern men are speaking Arabic together. how suspect. two airline passengers are checking their watches. how suspect. I mean, I never check my watch while travelling, do you? I just wear the damn thing for appearances.
meanwhile the irrepressible Raed is told to take his T-shirt off because it has Arabic script on it. I admire the hell out of Raed in this anecdote. courteous, nonthreatening, but persevering, he stood up to the TSA bullies for longer than I would have. of course being an international blogstar probably gives him confidence that less visible persons would lack.
23 August 2006, 12:56 am