from Guest Columnist, Abner Isom

The internet has caused the proliferation of available if-only-white-guy-proposals, IOWHPs we’ll call them for brevity.

White Guy

An if-only-proposal is a special subset of proposals generally, one that flourishes in political turbulence and anxiety. It is one of those proposals that concludes, If only we would make this one critical change here on this thing, most of the suffering of humanity would begin to wither away. Once people become obsessed with an IOWHP, they have to burn out fighting for it until they become twisted little single-issue Gollums, or they go off the rails with conspiracy theories and mathematized schemes.

Gollum

If-onlies are not the exclusive domain of white dudes; the if-only proposal has the character of boosterism built into it, and as any successful sales huckster can tell you, “you’re in it to win it” trumps do-the-right-thing every time. There is no ethnic or gendered Chinese wall that safeguards the non-white and the non-male from the bells and whistles and temptations of the Booster.

Boosterism

But we white guys are the main purveyors of if-onlyism, and the main targets of other white guys who are boosting an if-only themselves. So its more prominent in the white-guy zeitgeist than if-only boosterism is in other zeitgeists.

Anyway, that’s why I want to abbreviate it, an abbreviation like IOWHPs, because then I can trademark it for the IOWHP market. All there is left to do is write a mission statement, a vision statement, a strategic outline… then get off my computer to find something to eat.

Maybe a New Constitution! If only we had a whole new Constitution! Hip hip the New Constitution! Hip hip the second secession of Arkansas!

Arkansas State Bird

So my IOWHP for the day is this: What if everybody (this is how IOWHPs start, and usually fail, because the what-if is answered ‘no, everybody will not’) who now votes or otherwise participates in the Democratic Party just said to hell with it, and abandoned voting, lobbying, campaigning, et al, and let the Democratic Party sink into the sunset? What if?

I’m a white guy fed up with the Democratic Party as the roach-motel of social movements. That’s what my friend Alejandro says. You can check in but you never check out; and I agree with that. It’s true right?

Alejandro’s not white. But I am.

White, and sick of it, man, I’m fed up. So I say lets get together and end the Democratic Party. What if, my fellow white dudes, what if? We’ll get the rest on board by and by. Well the answer to this question is likely to be that in the absence of the Democratic Party, there is no other institution powerful enough to apply the brakes to Republicans. And I’ll be the first to admit that some of the Republicans I have known, seen, and read about, are pretty scary.

They are war lovers. War lovers are scary. bumper sticker

Stupid too.

This brings me to the second part of my IOWHP: We let the Republicans take all the offices and all the power, then just ignore them.

Here’s the math. (Which math-phobic among us has not beseeched God for help with another colon-clenching algebra or calculus exam?) IOWHPs always like to employ some math.

There are 308,984,000 of us, US residents, give or take a few.

Almost 28 percent of us are under 20 years old.

102.5 million are non-white.

Non-Hispsanic whites (a census term) are now 66 percent of the population. By 2050, if projections hold, that number will fall to 46 percent.

The demographics are changing, and time has already begun the process of winnowing away the strength of the older and whiter and more patriarchally restrictive generation, and it is inexorably swelling the ranks of those demographic groups who see Republicanism as antagonistic to their own interests.

If 35 percent of US voters identify as Democrats, and an additional 35 percent are independent… and if half of them decided to just ignore Republican government, then 35 percent of the voting population, and around 35 percent generally, equalling 108 million people simultaneously ignoring government and laws, paying no taxes, and hiding one another from law enforcement, and setting booby traps, then the Republican government would become a mere object of ridicule, a vestige, like the vermiform appendix, and we could mock them in daily rituals.

“We mock you, mock you, mock you,” we will chant.

We will mock you in the morning
We will mock you in the night
We will mock your ears
We will mock your feet
We will mock your mind
We will mock your little Republican earlobes

Mock, mock, mock
And nothing you can do about it
Tra-lafucking-la!

Republicans will then have no power, and they will be ashamed, as well as stimied by the constant development of new and ever more devious booby traps.

Mocking is the main-blow for this strategy, that and not obeying the Republican government. And booby traps.

For example, if you are a former Democrat in the new Republican-without-power era, and you own a cat, and the Republican government issues a Republican edict that all cats must wear cat-tags, and the Republican government person knocks on your door and says that the law requires cat-tags for your cat, then you can tell the Cat-tag Republican Regulator that you choose not to obey, adding that 35 percent of your neighbors, co-workers, and family will disobey with you, and that all of you will simultaneously ignore government and laws, paying no taxes, and hiding one another from law enforcement, and setting booby traps.

Then the < Republican government would become a mere object of ridicule, a vestige, like the vermiform appendix, and we could mock them in daily rituals.

“We mock you, mock you, mock you,” we will chant.

We will mock you in the morning
We will mock you in the night
We will mock your ears
We will mock your feet
We will mock you mind
We will mock your little Republican earlobes

Mock, mock, mock
And nothing you can do about it
Tra-lafucking-la!

Republicans will then have no power, and they will be ashamed, as well as stimied by the constant development of new and ever more devious booby traps.

Thus can we rid ourselves of the Democratic Party and hence… to neutralize the Republicans.

Lets talk about booby traps for a moment, shall we?

You may suggest that booby traps and this IOWHP are somehow not necessarily related. I’m here to tell you that mocking and booby traps are related like Hansel is to Gretel.

A good booby trap is worth a thousand words. another bumper sticker

Booby trap, booby trap, boo boo boo booby trap,
Booby trap, booby trap, boo boo boo booby trap,
Booby trap, booby trap, boo boo boo booby trap,
Boo-oo-oo-by trap!

Thirty-five percent of us setting child-proof booby traps around Republican strongholds will so limit their mobility that eventually, all the Republicans will become ashamed and quit the government, and we’ll all celebrate by smoking the communal salvia divinorum (make sure you have a minder).

Salvia divinorum

End the Dems!

Disobey the Republican Government!
Mock mock mock!
Boo-booby traps!

1. 2. 3. Like the sides of a triangle, the most stable form in the mesoverse.

DID YOU KNOW? To dream of a triangle, foretells separation from friends, and love affairs will terminate in disagreements.

Three SIDES. Sides!

<>blockquote>body spirit mind body spirit mind body spirit mind body spirit mind body spirit mind

Three DOTS alone, man!

It all fits together like a waffle iron, Buckaroos.

Mocking, Disobedience to Republican government (DTRG), and Booby Traps. One. Two. Three.

1: Mocking is not only important for the humiliation of the Republican government, it is necessary in the formation of new cadres. Humiliation is one way we proclaim and celebrate our power to disobey, and so by humiliating the Republican government we demonstrate its impotence, and bring shame on its individual members. But in chanting our mocks together, we are given a ritual that consolidates us as a community of Mocking, DTRG, and booby traps.

2: DTRG, aka DISOBEDIENCE TO REPUBLICAN GOVERNMENT, will overwhelm the various apparati of government, legal, administrative, executive, because there will be a shrunken tax base as anti-Republicans quit paying taxes, and 35% of the population will have the capacity for a general strike. Which blends directly into point 3, because the employment of booby traps will destroy the Republican government’s mobility.

3: A booby trap is a passive, defensive, field expedient measure that inhibits travel over key lines of communication. Mines for the poor. Child-proof booby traps are those devices that do not harm wandering children. The website Childproof Boobytraps (CPBTs) has detailed instructions for over a dozen devices. These devices are used to create a buffer between centers of government, that must be systematically and geographically isolated by moving away from them, and if the cars going in and out are always getting flats, for example, it forces the Republican Government (RG) to divert more its shrinking resources to Booby Trap Countermeasures (BTCs). We lay seige to them, while we GROW OUR SALVIA DIVINORUM IN PEACE.

IN CONCLUSION:

CAPITAL letters are EMPHATIC, and one important way to COMMUNICATE a good IOWHP is to EMPHASIZE the PARTS that are IMPORTANT using capital LETTERS.

Then people will have an epiphany with each EMPHASIS, which carries the purity of essence from the written CAPITAL LETTERS into the MINDS of the readers.

“The denial OF THE right TO secede FROM A voluntary union is ITSELF a primary justification FOR secession.”

See how that works! Into your mind like a slippery little toboggan.

Watch the diffrerence:

WHENEVER government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever GOVERNMENT becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government BECOMES destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes DESTRUCTIVE of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive OF these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of THESE ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ENDS (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (LIFE, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, LIBERTY, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, PURSUIT of happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit OF happiness), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of HAPPINESS), it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), IT is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it IS the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is THE right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the RIGHT of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right OF the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of THE people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Whenever government becomes destructive of these ends (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness), it is the right of the PEOPLE to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government.

Do this one thousand times, and all will become clear.

Swish like a fish, right into your Corpus callosum.

The basic things you will need for booby traps are the same things that you use for cheesemaking, so there is always a handy COVER STORY.

Booby Trap

A 4-quart pan. Cheescloth. A large strainer. A clock. Plastic wrap. A thin spatula or a long knife. A dairy thermometer. A cheese press. And a WOODEN SPOON.

Booby trap city, baby! Just read the link above.

And plenty of cheese.

Fuken ants man! They’re everywhere. Ever try to separate fly shit from pepper? It’s no joke!

Equus equus peditum

The Latin for “Hide one another from law enforcement.”